Being Consist yet Humble
Everyday it's a balance between going ahead with what I've been called to do and pausing long enough to keep asking for directions. I have the Bible App and they have a feature that shows how many days in a row you have opened up the app to interact with the Bible. I used to get to like 10 days and then would lose it. I got distracted and other things were of more importance on my phone like checking my social media apps, responding to text messages, or watching videos. But this time it was different, I got to 388 days. 388 days of reading my Bible every single day. I was consistent, I started devotionals, I made notes on scripture to praise God for his word, and I took a moment to "make time for God." But I lost it. My 388 day streak has now turned into a 3 day streak and I'm disappointed in myself.
I'm disappointed because I know better. Although it's just an app and this streak means nothing, I feel bad about starting back at zero. In reality, the streak means nothing. It's not about getting up to 389 days or 3,890 days it's about building consistency in my relationship with God. So does me ruining my streak bother me? Of course it does (more than it should). But I have to give myself grace to know that God's arms are always wide open to receive me and give me grace to come back to Him. It's not about how many times I stop but how many times I start up again.
The root of that is me getting distracted. A week ago, I wrote in my journal about how satisfied I felt in life. I just started a new job, I felt connected to friends/family, I was working out, I finalized the blog and I got into a routine. For the first time in 6 months, life felt normal and not so nebulous. I was excited and I started off full steam ahead. I got comfortable, confident and I felt in control of life. I started to do things out of my own will and want, which is totally fine, but I stopped checking in with God. I forgot that He is my source and strength, that without Him I am nothing and without His direction I am lost. I found that I messed up on my own and I started overcompensating in some areas in an attempt to regain that sense of control I felt.
It's a fine line between being prideful and being humble. It's finding that balance to walk in your stride but also knowing that everyday I have to ask God for direction. I can't get so consumed with the things of this world and walking in my stride that I make assumptions about where I'm supposed to go. It's a learning for me to humble myself and admit "I don't know where I'm going." I don't know where to turn and I don't know how to be fully satisfied on my own. So the bible says in 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 (NLT) that God's power works better in weakness. That in our weakness Christ's power works through us. So Father God work through me right now and forever more, I can't do this on my own and I need your power to supernaturally charge my life. It's not by my power but by your Spirit God that I'm able to do all that you've called me to do. Help me to not lose sight of that and lean not on my own understanding so that You can show me your way (Proverbs 3:5-6).
So yes be consistent and as Saint Ignatius said "go forth and set the world on fire" but understand that we can't do it on our own. It's God who is our strength and without him we are lost searching for meaning in this fallen world. Be consistent, be humble, ask questions, and surrender.